Friday, November 12, 2004
No Knitting Content. Self Pity.
Just a warning, this is a depressing post. Let me wallow in self pity.
At least I don't cut myself. Honestly, I overheard a conversation, a silly little year eight decided that she wanted to get pregenant. But then, she and her bunch of "friends" went off to all go cut their wrists together. One of them spent the night before hacking up his chest, so now its' all raw and cut up. Joyous, really. Why they feel the need to discuss it at school is beyond me, the fact that they feel the need to actually perform such acts of self mutilation sickens me.
I just need to have a bitch. I know some people write up posts that is all negativce and bitchy and then don't acutally post it because they feel satisfied that they've expressed their feelings and on't need to inflict it on anyone else. Well..My blog, my feelings. I may well feel satisfied after this, I might post it and delete it ina few dys, I don't know. Who cares, really?
At the moment, I don't feel very nice. I don't understand what is happening. People around me keep getting oppourunities that I don't feel they deserve. I don't mean that in a selfsish way, I just think that there are better people out there who deserve these things to come their way, and these other people who are taking up all these lucky breaks are just..Being selfish. I don't think that I should be getting all these oppourtunites, at all. I just...I don't want to say any names. I don't understand what the world is coming to.
There is this person at school. I suppose you could say he is harrassing me. I'm not sure. It doesn't bother me that he thinks he can treat me like shit, I really don't care what he thinks, and if he does think he can treat me like that, he isn't deserving of me giving a crap anyway. But the fact that he completely disrespects me in front of friends and people whom I hold in high esteem really bothers me. The fact that he will do things and then tell people that I am having a go at him. And the worst part of it is that he's doing this because he feels rejected by me. Which he is.
When I first became his friend, we got very close, very quick. Whenever that happnes with me, I freak out and back off, just as quick. Most of the time, the guys feel the way I do and we just go back to being friends, and it's nice. Most of my male friends I'm only friends with because of relationships like that. Quick, panic, and then relax. That's what my whole life is like.
But this guy, he just couldn't cope. And he started to be disrespectful. So I wanted nothing to do with him, I don't need that shit in my life.
After a while, he let up, and I tried to let him back into my life, slowly, because he seems to be pretty friendly with one of my best friends. I don't like to clash with my friends friends. It's just a waste of time.
But everytime I "let him back in", he starts the disrespecting crap again. I'm totally sick of it now, I want nothing to do with it. Or him.
I don't talk to him, I don't look at him, I don't provoke him at all. I'm never rude, I just do not have anything at all to do with him.
Yet he continues to behave this way. All the little things add up. Like today, I was sitting with three other male friends. He began throwing paper at me from across the classroom. Then, he came over to our table and just stood behind me, putting pencil shavings in my hair.
I didn't even notice until Max pointed it out to me.
D came late, and instead of sitting with the Bad Person, he came and sat on the end of the tabe with us. The Bad Person couldn't coipe with that, because he was under the impression that they were friends. So he came over again, and leaned over D, just looking at me, trying to intimidate me. I told him to piss off many times, he continued saying "Nah, I'm fine". Then R got shitty at him and told him to nick off, too. Now, R is pretty buff, and the Bad Person is a weedy thing. But he continued to stay there. Then D spoke up, and told him to go away, too. He was annoying the crap out of everyone. And he couldn't cope with the fact that D had told him to leave me alone, R had told him to piss of, and that Max had left the table with the Bad Person to come and sit with us. I can't remember what exactly happened after that.
It was nice that R and D stuck up for me.
Oh yeah, I remember, he was going on "Oh come on cry Monique, I can see the tears in your eyes. Come on, just cry"...I mean, for shit's sake. I felt like I was going to hit him. And I could probably have done some damage, too. Not much, because he is a bit bigger than me, but enough. I mean, what has it come to when I actually feel violent towards someone?
And there's nothing I can really do about it. I don;t feel like my safety is at risk, but I am sick and tired of him trying to make me look stupid in front of people that are important to me. Respect is so important to me, if a person doesn't respect you, how can they trust you, and without trust, how is there any friendship?
Friendship was all he wanted. He's lost my respect completely, he has no chance. I never thought I was better than him, I never treated him like crap. Ever. I just can't believe someone would be so jealous that they would resort to such tactics. And now he's going to give D a whole lot of shit for sticking up for me. Which means that other people are becoming involved.
What proabaly gets to me, almost as much as the trying to make me looks stupid (which doesn't work on my real friends, because they all know and respect me) is that he tries to work on Talia, and tries to make me feel jealous. He's just making himself look stupid. Talia likes him. Fair enough, i know that. And I know that when he sits with her and thinks he's "taking my place" Talia doesn't see it like that. But I think that she shouldn't let him behave the way he does, I wouldn't let anyone do that to her, which makes me second guess my friendship with her. And then I think alot of nasty things. Many of which I wont say, because that's pretty hurtful and I don''t mean them, so whats the point in saying them? But, me and Talia were having a discussion, which she started, not me. She doesn't get along with guys as well as I do. I get along with them becaue I've got three brother, I've grown up with guys all my life. They are better friends, they're loyal and you can read them easily. You know who you can trust and who you can't. Most of the time.
And, I'm a flirt. Not in a slutty way, it just makes people feel more comfortable. I'm not physical with people in general, because I have wide personal bounderies. No touching me, no touching you. Except if theres a mutual "thing" going on.
So I think that she kind of likes that The Bad Person is paying her attention, in a good way, and not me. Now, this may sound really horrible and all, but it's not. She's not a bitch like that.
But, if she could get over that, then the Bad Person would not feel able to attack me all the time. Talia is his only access to me, if you get me?
Well, this has been a long boring post. I'm sorry. I probably will tkae it down. Or at least edit it. Heavilly. I just need to express how I'm feeling.
Those of you who wouldn't care wouldn't read the whole tihng anyways, so it doesn't matter. I proabably wouldn't read the whole thing.
I just wish everything would stop. There's too much going on in my life at once, I want to work through everything one at a time, but I can't.
What a destructive species we are we are?
Ashik0 @ 11/12/2004 09:52:00 pm